Harper & Reid: August 2012

Based on some emails, texts and phone calls of gotten regarding my post for a few weeks ago (THANK YOU, by the way, I truly appreciate the concern!), I feel like I need to clarify. I'm going to be fine. I know that I'm going to be fine. I'm not really fine right now but it's coming.
In explanation of what's been going on, I think I need to state a few facts. Moving is tough. I think that it is regularly thought of by "experts" as being one of life's most stressful events. Parenting two young children is also tough, as anyone who has done so can attest. Heck, parenting one child was tough and parenting a dog was actually kind of stressful before that. Taking care of someone else who you love more deeply than anything else in the world is a lot of work, especially when those someones aren't very independent. Doing both at the same time and then getting to do it again, twice, in an 8 month period, is a nightmare that I wouldn't wish on someone I despise.

When we made the decision to move one year ago, we thought our life would change in positive ways. We had had a very stressful year leading up to the decision (bed rest at the end of Reid's pregnancy, some challenges post-partum, Andy's situation with work) and the hope that was once we moved, life would improve, the stress would diminish and we would be embraced by an insta-community once we arrived at our destination. Well, that didn't happen at all. While that wasn't happening, it occurred to us that life in Colorado hadn't been so bad at all and perhaps we never should have left. But the truth is, we were looking to leave, we'd been looking to leave and be closer to family so that our children could grow up with a strong family presence since Harper was a few months old. I don't think there was much that would have dissuaded us from our desire to improve life for our girls and give them this opportunity so we clearly didn't take the time to look at the bigger picture or potential complications. Live and learn and we learned some hard lessons indeed.

Honestly, it all would have been manageable, it would have still totally sucked but it would have been manageable ... but then I started having panic attacks. At first one but then more. I'd think they were gone and then they'd come back. More complications ensued. I won't relive them all, or indulge or empower them by going through all of the struggles in detail; but one that I am now willing to share is that we miscarried our potential third child in January. We don't plan to have a third child but that doesn't make losing one any better. It was another stomach-dropping hill on the emotional rollercoaster. Further challenges were added to my cup, which was already past the flooding point. All the while, due to our transition period, I had not had the opportunity to create any kind of safety net of local friends, which is basically essential to any almost stay at home moms sanity. Particularly for me, as I am aware that I require social interaction. Not simply of the virtual/fb variety, the real, human contact variety as well. Being a mom is isolating and despite the fact that I work a bit, I work from home, so that doesn't do much to relieve the isolation either. It is also hard to make friends in transition/limbo mode in the middle of winter.

I think that all of this would have been less difficult for me to deal with and I think I would have been able to move on from all of the nonsense of the period immediately following our move if it hadn't been for these panic attacks. Oh, if I only could have gotten a stomachache instead ... I have Chinese herbs for that. Suffering from panic attacks is a completely different issue. They are really hard to mix with caring for children. I look back and can start with the negative self-talk, the destructive inner dialogue, and remind myself that there are people in this world with "real" problems and whoop-dee-doo, I didn't have any friends for a while and made a few bad decisions that we were easily able to 'un-make' so what I am really complaining about? I haven't really answered that question yet. Mental health issues are not taken as seriously as physical health issues but I am now certain that they are just as serious and debilitating.

But I'm moving on. I've begun a study into the practice of meditation and Zen Buddhism. I'm completely committed. I'm not converting to Buddhism, that's not the point, but meditation and the principles of Zen Buddhism seem to be very effective at helping one go through challenging times. Meditation is a skill and a practice that can actually expand the mind to allow stressful situations to be dealt with on a different level. In the words of the Roshi I've been working with, it can "expand your banks, so that when you hit rough water, it can diffuse more readily." The idea behind Zen Buddhism is that everyone suffers and that should be accepted and in a way, embraced. It should be observed and moved on from, not given power. Roshi talks a lot about the meaningless chatter and conversations we have with ourselves about the "should haves, could haves, would haves" and the hope is that with the practice of Zen Buddhism, I can cultivate the ability to end the conversation and the pointless chatter about what went wrong over the last year. I'm ending the conversation and spiraling into the ineffective hole of blame, which seems to be the source of the attacks. I have no doubt that I will get better and I have some of the most amazing reasons in the world to stick to my practice and become enlightened again to the beauty of the world.

Thanks for listening.